I’m about to be very vulnerable. And very honest. And it’s terrifying. But I’m tired of mental illness and suicide lurking in the shadows because people are afraid to talk about it or look it in the face. Maybe it will cost me, but I feel like I’ve lost just about everything already, so I don’t have much else to lose anyway.
Last night I cut myself. Like I used to long ago in high school when I first became depressed. I have been feeling completely worthless for awhile now. Feeling like I have no purpose and make no difference in life. All I seem to do is hurt others and screw up. So I cut myself to feel some other kind of pain. I cut myself because I believed I deserved it. And I seriously considered ending my life because I felt like everyone would be better off without me.
Some people will stop reading this now. They’ll pretend like they didn’t see it so things don’t have to be awkward when they see me. They’ll pretend they didn’t see it so they don’t have to talk to me about it. But things don’t have to be awkward, and it’s okay to talk about it. I’m still here. I’m still living my life the best I can. I’m trying to find even the littlest reasons to stick around and have hope, despite depression, despite anger, despite desperation.
This is life for many people. Some keep hurting themselves, some stop. Some choose to end their lives, some choose to keep living. In my opinion none of that determines whether a person is good or bad, sane or crazy, wonderful or evil, despite what stigma may say.
Some people will keep reading this. They may have questions. Ask them. They may be afraid. That’s okay. So am I. But I’d rather face the fear than live in silence.
3 thoughts on “Facing the Fear”
Yesterday Leighann called me because her bosses 18 yr old son had just committed suicide. We had a long talk about that subject, one she is very familiar with.
When I was in college I received a phone call from a journalist friend of my (deceased) father. He told the police since he knew the family he would call and couldn’t reach my mom. My uncle- her only sibling- had shot himself and died. I suppose it was a blessing I was home, he would continue to call my mom. But it was up to me at 20 years old to go and tell Gram. I’m sure Mark has told you stories about her and how close I was to her, I will never, ever forget that experience! And though I was never close to my uncle, not since childhood, I still experience some guilt thinking what if I, his only niece, had tried to keep a relationship with him? He had never married, no children. This experience has made me be more compassionate and I certainly hope more non-judge mental.
You and I are just getting to know each other, but our mutual love for Mark is real. If you ever need an listening ear, please call❤️
Oh sweetheart. Are you ok??
It’s been a while since I have been able to “catch up” on some of the blogs I subscribe to. But this one caught my eye just today. I’m so sorry you have felt so down. I have some friends and co-workers who struggle with mental illness. Two of those friends have tried (unsuccessfully I’m glad to report) to take their lives on several occasions. One has been getting Ketamine treatments with great success. It has made a huge difference. The other started ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments and has had success with that. Have you tried either of those treatments? Do you see a psychiatrist for your mental health? He/she could help with a determination for either of those treatments. Since I haven’t read all your posts, perhaps you’ve addressed these treatments and have tried them. I’m just trying to help in some small way. I hope you will eventually find the help and hope that you need to keep going.