Facing the Anxiety

The end of Daylight Savings Time is the beginning of winter hell for me. The cold, short days and long, long dark nights always increase depression and anxiety.

Last week wasn’t so bad because we were on a family vacation at Disneyland. The first couple of days were rainy, but otherwise the weather was absolutely perfect. And I love being at Disneyland with my kids! It was also the first time my husband had been in a very long time, so it was fun to share with him. It was one of the best, most fun vacations I’ve ever been on. Coming home to mid-winter temperatures, cloudy skies and inversion was pretty depressing. I feel like I’ve been on the edge of a panic attack most of the week.

A few days ago I got an email from my son’s elementary school with a sign-up to help supervise kids at lunch while they signed a big Thank You banner for the teachers for Thanksgiving. I went back and forth for a long time about whether to sign up or not. I have enjoyed being able to volunteer the past year, as I stay at home now, but was worried about my anxiety. I finally forced myself to sign up, believing it would be good for me. Sometimes we have to push through the anxiety.

However, I had anxiety about that decision in the days after. I kept getting online to view my sign-up, almost canceling. I just about had a panic attack about it yesterday. Then I reminded myself how I’ve really enjoyed every time I’ve gone to the school to volunteer. I again told myself this was a time I needed to push through the anxiety.

I was nervous when I woke up this morning and got ready, but I went to the school, and everything went great! I’m glad I got to see the kids, talk with other moms and say hi to my son.

I recently posted that sometimes it’s okay to avoid things that give you anxiety. I do believe that. I also believe that sometimes it’s best to face it and push through it because you get a wonderful end result. I think it’s about doing what feels right at the time, re-evaluating and then changing or continuing on the path that is best for you. Maybe a day will come when I feel like I can always push through the anxiety. Maybe. That day is definitely not now. So I will do what I feel is best for me and my health at the time, whether it is recognizing that something is too much to handle right now or deciding that I can, and will, be okay to do it.

Trying to Be Hopeful

The last few weeks have been kind of rough. My depression has come back, as it always does once the weather gets cold and starts turning to winter. The thing to remember about depression and all mental illness is that there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes there is no former trauma, there are no triggers, it just happens. I’ve been trying to look for the good and see hope, though. I wrote a couple of poems about it. They may seem a little forced, but sometimes that’s what we’ve got to do. We have to force ourselves to look for hope in the midst of darkness and despair.

October Moon
by Tacy Gibbons

October moon spreads its light softly
over fallen leaves and fallen tears.
Just enough for some small hope,
a little healing.

Understanding.

Change, metamorphosis can be painful.
Dying leaves crumble beneath heavy footsteps.
Yet even in the dead of night
the jeweled moon shines.

Trees on the mountain, blazing red, orange, yellow, will fall,
replaced by new, vibrant greens in spring.
Growth. Renewal.
Ever stretching toward the sky.

In November
by Tacy Gibbons

Tunnel vision is easy
when the sun rises late
and sets too early
behind craggily-toothed mountains.
SADness feels like it will last forever
in the long, cold, dark winter.

I find some small comfort
in black-capped chickadees perched on frosty trees,
continuing to sing
with breath curling out before them—
a twirling, lilting song of hope
in the freezing November morn.

A Poem About Depression

Depression
by Tacy Gibbons

there isn’t always a rhyme or reason
time or season
anything recent
depression attacks

dark tendrils creeping
cause such weeping
leave me pleading
for relief

seeking reprieve from the storm
crying I mourn
so tired and worn
just take this plate away

bring back the light
warmth so bright
away from depression’s sight
give me a reason